Notes on Being a Man
Note: Although this essay is written from my own perspective of being a male, the term “man” here can be used interchangeably with “person”.
As my 25th birthday approaches, I’ve spent this year asking: “What does it mean to be a man?”
I’ve looked to my many role models, across history, philosophy and my life for answers.
I’ll begin with the fact that for much of history, a man was expected to be strong, capable, stoic, independent, and responsible for protecting and providing for others. There is something admirable in that and these virtues worth preserving. But when these qualities become a costume rather than a character, manhood becomes shallow.
1. Responsibility
Let’s start with responsibility. Transitioning from boyhood, the biggest change is that a boy can live as though the world happens to him whereas a man learns to ask what is his to carry. He takes ownership of his choices, his mistakes, his promises, and the effect he has on other people.
He does not blame circumstances for everything that goes wrong, nor does he imagine himself the victim of every disappointment. When he causes harm, he apologises. When he makes a commitment, he tries to honour it.
However, maturity requires knowing what is outside one’s control. A good man does not confuse responsibility with domination. He cannot control other people, guarantee every outcome, or protect everyone he loves from suffering. What he can control is the quality of his own conduct. He can decide whether he will be honest, dependable, disciplined, and present.
2. Strength
Physical power is certainly important but it is not the only measure of strength. It takes strength to remain calm when anger would be easier. It takes strength to speak honestly when lying would protect one’s pride. It takes strength to walk away from a pointless fight. It takes strength to ask for help. You get the idea.
One of the hardest lessons a man can learn is that vulnerability and strength are not opposites. A man who cannot say, “I was wrong,” is not powerful. He is controlled by his ego. A man who cannot tell another person, “I love you,” because he fears appearing weak has allowed fear to govern him.
3. Discipline
There are countless forms of power in life, but self-command may be the most important. A man may be wealthy and still be ruled by greed. He may be admired and still be ruled by insecurity. He may possess authority over thousands of people and still have no authority over himself.
Self-control is not repression. It is the ability to experience impulses without automatically obeying them.
4. Character & Principle
A good man does not ask only, “What do I want?” He also asks, “What is right?” And when those answers conflict, character is revealed.
How does a good man treat people that cannot offer status, money, advancement, or influence in return? What does he do when no one is watching? What happens when he knows he could get away with being selfish?
A good man also has principles. This does not mean he must become rigid or self-righteous. Principles are not weapons for judging everyone else. They are standards by which a man judges himself. He decides that certain things are beneath him even when they would benefit him.
This is difficult because the world often rewards appearances faster than it rewards character. A man can build an impressive reputation while neglecting his inner life. He can acquire titles, possessions, influence, and admiration while quietly becoming someone he himself would not respect.
There is therefore an important distinction between success and goodness. Success asks, “What have I achieved?” Goodness asks, “What have I become?” A man may pursue both, but when they conflict, he eventually has to decide which matters more.
5. Humility
A good man understands that masculinity does not require knowing everything, winning every argument, or being the most important person in the room.
He can learn from women without feeling diminished. He can learn from younger people. He can change his mind when evidence demands it. He can listen without immediately preparing a defence.
Humility does not mean thinking poorly of oneself. It means seeing oneself accurately.
A humble man knows both his strength and his limits.
He does not need to pretend that he is invincible because he has made peace with the fact that he is human. And perhaps that is one of the central truths of manhood: a man does not become mature by eliminating weakness. He becomes mature by understanding it.
Every man will encounter failure. He will disappoint people. He will make foolish choices. He will sometimes be afraid when he wishes he were brave. He will lose people he loves. His body will eventually weaken. His ambitions may not all be fulfilled. Life will expose the limits of every man’s control.
The question is not whether these things will happen. The question is what kind of person he becomes when they do.
It is the lifelong practice of becoming someone whose word can be trusted, whose strength can be relied upon, whose love can be felt, and whose presence leaves other people with more dignity than he found them.
That kind of man does not need to prove that he is a man. His life does it for him.